Birds are Dumb
When I say dumb I mean about as bright as a dusty bag of rocks. Once upon a time, there were these apex predators called the velociraptor. The velociraptor was capable of pack hunting, communication, had built in steak knives, and is known to have reigned fear and terror among saurian herbivores. The terrorists of the Cretaceous era. They were the modern equivalent of throwing a pack of starved, frenzied wolverines into a pen full of sheep. Somehow along the line evolution made a majorly epic failure, converting these killing machines to brainless tufts of feathers and fat.
Birds are a blight on humanity
Sure we grow chickens. One would argue for all the meat, eggs, and poultry goodness they give us. But they also bring humanity other, less desirable things like salmonella and heart attacks from all the birdflesh we deep-fry in attempt to make more appetizing. Birds are also animals, and that means they control their bowels about as effectively as a senior driver in a winterized hurricane. Most animals like deer or rabbits harmlessly leave their gifts among the shrubberies. Hippos and fish let it pass freely into the water where it breaks apart and they can joyfully frolic in it without a care. Birds, however, being airborne can bombard anything and everything without fear of retribution. Plants, people and statues are all acceptable receptacles for their fowl wastes. Bird’s are also disease vectors and are responsible for causing more human suffering than Hitler on a bad day.
Birds play stupid games
One of their favorites is Dodge the Speeding Deathtrap. Think Frogger for birds. It's all-in in this high stakes, high speed game. They wait patiently for the next oncoming car and flit in front of it like a bat-out-of-hell, just for shits and giggles. The only thing the winner gets is not dying.
Birds have shitty depth perception
I can’t count the times I was sitting peacefully, minding my own business, reading some enlightening work of literature when suddenly a slam on the glass caused me to inhale my hands and book whole. Everyone thinks this is because you used Windex, or some other nonsense. Really, it’s because birds can’t tell five feet from five thousand. This is why you can be strolling along through a field and suddenly a flock of them on the opposite side will fly out of the bushes, screaming in terror and scaring the general piss out of you. Other times you could walk right up to one and punt it if you wanted. This makes Dodge the Speeding Deathtrap difficult and why sometimes a feathery mass of gore can be found in the grill of a semi.
The next time you see a pigeon, take a long deep stare into its eyes and see if you can see anything. Any possible flicker of anything other than the instinctive drive to bathe the world in a sea of rotten bird shit.
