Life Lessons

Lesson 7: Establish your position. Whenever you're confronted with a Cold War style power struggle, establish quickly who you are and what you want.  This doesn't mean you have a green card to be douche.  But if you're taken for a pushover, you'll lose the Mexican standoff faster than I lost my Caramello at that Weight Watchers Convention.

Lesson 6: Play nice with the significant other’s friends. If you make an ass of yourself, they'll be as quick to get rid of you as that pass-around Christmas fruitcake. Regardless of how warm and fuzzy you make he or she feel, their friends don’t know how good you are in the bedroom...

...at kissing.  Ya, kissing.  Anyways, play nice and before you know it you'll get their stamp of approval and a major relationship promotion.

Lesson 5: Acknowledge warning signs. Whenever you perceive major red flags in a love interest, avoid that person like an Ebola-plagued leper. It’s basically playing relationship Minesweeper.  By ignoring the flags, things may go great for awhile, but eventually it'll all blow up in your face like opening a Tupperware full of last month's leftovers.

Lesson 4: Great relationships take work. Take that “you’re my perfect match, I’m so lucky to have found you” butterflies and rainbows propaganda with a grain of salt.  If taken too lightly and given an adequate amount of force, your relationship stands about as much chance as a Jenga tower in a Mw 10 earthquake. Click HERE for a scientific example of the life cycle of relationships.

Lesson 3: Ignorance is bliss. There are some things in life that are better not to know. Especially when it comes to foods.  If I were to tell you what all went into industrialized ground beef or peanut butter, you'd probably feel the need to immediately exfoliate your stomach lining with an iron brush.

Lesson 2: Some people are just bad eggs. Maybe the doctor smacked them a little too hard when they came out, maybe they were subject to Russian psychological development tests. The one thing you can be sure is that some people are simply rotten to their icy core.

Lesson 1: Some spaces are best left unused. There are bad ideas and there are really bad ideas.  For example, hand feeding a feral rhinoceros or having a waterfight with acid filled latex balloons.  You'll hate yourself in the morning, trust me.  I know.  It just isn't wise to turn a high traffic passageway into a veritable minefield of potential maimings or dismemberments.

New goodies on the Misc page!

5)  If your nails are starting to look like you just competed in a mud wrestling competition, you can clean them with it.

4)  Have a case of the afternoon munchies? Cacti are excellent sources of nutrients. Either pull the needles out for a cucumber like delight or leave them in and practice building your pain tolerance.

3)  A cactus is a great place to stick annoying post-it note reminders that you’d rather just forget about.

2)  Booby trap your workspace from over-curious janitor hands.

1)  Last but not least, you can use it as a mace on anyone foolish enough to take your stapler.

is available on the Misc page

I recently received the following email from my apartment complex:

"Hello Village Residents,

We've been having trouble with the hot tub lately and a big reason is because people keep pushing the big red button that says emergency stop. YOU CANT DO THAT!!! When that button is pressed the spa completely shuts down. So there's no chemicals going into it to keep the levels balanced and it won't circulate the water any more. Stop pressing the button. If its pressed one more time we will be checking the cameras and whoever did it will be in BIG trouble and the hot tub may be shut down indefinitely! We don't want to do this because we know how much you enjoy it please make sure you're not pressing any button on the spa. 

Thanks 

VOP Management"

A miscommunication was made prompting a clarification of why exactly you shouldn't push the button.